My divorce story

  • Six months ago, I divorced my husband. We lived together for ten years, and I could not think that this could happen to us. I found out that he was cheating on me. I filed for divorce and ran a divorce, well, I just used to have assistance with papers, but all the rest was on me. John has repeatedly tried to establish normal relations with me, and mentally I understand that this is necessary, because we have a growing son who suffers from the fact that when we meet we look at each other like enemies and are silent ... Moreover, there is an example a close friend who found the strength not only to live on, but also to keep in touch with her ex. He says that it is easy, you just need to leave the past in the past. And I cannot step over my own anger, pain and resentment. Moreover, now the ex-husband lives with the one who destroyed our marriage. But sooner or later it will have to be done. But how?
    Be an example
    I believe I understood why it is so important to maintain normal relations with her ex-husband. Family psychologist, coach Jen Gardner believes that first of all you need to realize whether there is something valuable in the fragments of a broken marriage, something that you do not want to lose under any circumstances. “If a person has an answer to the question“ why? ”, There will certainly be a way“ how, ”the specialist says. At the same time, the psychologist emphasizes that it is precisely the presence of common children that is one of the main reasons why former spouses simply need to find the strength to continue to communicate with each other. “Children need to show an example of how adults with dignity come out of a difficult situation, despite the unbearable pain and resentment against each other. If in the future children have to face a similar situation, they will have a good example before their eyes. " However, this is not easy to do. And it won't work quickly. The reason for this is a fairly long process of experiences, similar in emotional intensity to the death of a loved one. Experts name five stages of this process. The first is denial. A man simply cannot accept the fact that his marriage has failed. He doesn’t believe it’s over. The next stage is anger. A woman or a man is pursued by bouts of uncontrolled aggression, anger, even hatred towards a partner. The third is bargaining. A person is looking for any way to return a loved one (beloved). “Everything is used: pleading, manipulations with the help of children, an attempt to influence a departed partner through mutual friends and relatives,” Jen. "This is especially true for women." Then comes the fourth stage - depression. In this state, a person realizes the inevitability of parting. And finally, the fifth and final stage comes - acceptance. The fact of divorce is accepted, strength and desire to live on appear. “The faster a person manages to pass these stages, the more likely it is to maintain normal relations with each other. It is more effective and safer to go through them with the help of a specialist in the field of family relations, ”the psychologist comments.
    Finish to start
    But there are situations when maintaining a relationship with an ex is not only unnecessary, but also dangerous. First, when your breakup was related to domestic violence. Do not hope that a spouse who is inclined to solve problems in a relationship with his fists will suddenly realize that he has behaved incorrectly. And if you get divorced because of your partner's addictions that have led to the collapse of your marriage, it is simply impossible to keep in touch with him. “Recently, in my practice, various kinds of addictions, which are often accompanied by domestic violence, have come to the fore. In such circumstances, my colleagues and I tend to recommend clients not to maintain friendly relations, ”mentions Jen Gardner. The second reason that can interfere with the restoration of normal communication with the ex-spouse is the protracted process of accepting a divorce. This happens when a person constantly lives in the past, does not stop delving into it, over and over again ponders the reasons for parting, cannot refuse the victim's pose. All these phrases: “I gave him the best years”, “Why didn't we divorce earlier, when I was young and beautiful?”, “How could he do this to me, because we were happy” - do not make your life better, do not give you act, do not calm down. They only prolong the mourning phase. Living in the past is basically wrong. And living in the past that cannot be returned is completely detrimental to the psyche. The most stupid thing in this situation is to try to establish friendly relations with your ex-spouse in the hope that over time everything will work out and he will return. It is important to understand that divorce is always the point and at the same time the beginning of a new chapter in your life. There is such a term in psychology - an unclosed gestalt - a kind of unfinished business. To close the gestalt means to put an end to it, to finally solve the problem. This should be done, especially if you need to communicate with your ex after the divorce stamp appears on your passport. Forget grievances, end disputes, dot the i's. An acquaintance of mine got rid of the burden of former relationships only four years after the divorce, having married in the second.

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